The teaching of John Smith
by guns-and-lipstick
Summary: Amy Pond, Rory Williams, John Smith and Professor River Song all study and work at the same university, what will they get up to and how will they cope in awkward situations? AU students, teacher and possible other companions.
1. Hello uni!

She looked in the mirror, hair explosive as ever and makeup styled to perfection. She narrowed her eyes and pouted devilishly, applying a thick layer of crimson lipstick to her lips, hallucinogenic of course. Donning a tight black pencil skirt with an outrageously high slit as well as a fitting, extremely low cut crimson shirt, matching black blazer and sky high heels she smirked. Dress to impress always had been her motto and she was River Song so vanity and terrorizing her students was always going to be a top priority.

A few corridors and stairways away stood John Smith and his best friends Amy and Rory Pond. He stood looking out of place and abandoned like a sad little puppy surrounded by a pack of wolves. University was a terrible idea of Amy's and It was all his brain's fault, stupid scholarship. At least were together Rory kept on comforting, how was that in any way a comfort when one of the 'we' was a evil Scottish redhead who pressurised innocent clever people into big scary buildings like this where they would be bullied until graduation, it was like school only longer and more painful and he hated it. This was another thing about him he had to know everything so drop him in a totally new environment and he was reduced to the shy little geek, great.

And whilst on the topic of evil Scottish redheads,"Oi stupid face, hurry up, It's not like your gonna get bullied 'till graduation!"

Right final straw, just kill me now, seriously It's quicker.

Unfortunately for him the only thing Amy was planning to be quick about was getting to their new dormitories and unpacking so they would be ready for when classes started.

Four desks, two fat guys and three suitcases later Rory inserted the key into the lock and opened the door to their new home. They each took their fair share of the unpacking and resting, which basically meant Amy took everyone's share of resting whilst Rory waited on her and John unpacked, she had said it was fair so Rory automatically believed her and John submitted to avoid violence, violence meaning he cowered and apologised while she hit him with a biscuit tin or a slipper or anything close to her that was sure to inflict damage and pain. Sadistic crazed Scott. Honestly one day he would threaten to steal her haggis! Actually maybe not, she may have bought a baseball bat whilst his back was turned...

Right, thoughts of Amy and her pet poodle behind, he had finished sorting out their various items and the only scars he had been left with were mental ones from the things he had discovered in Amy's case, truly terrifying.

Speaking of terrifying, "Raggedy man, fifteen minutes till class and we still don't know which ones, were did you loose the lesson plan this time, hmm?"

Why did people always think he had lost something important, he knew exactly where the lesson plan was, infact it was right here in his pocket, maybe, probably, no. Not good Amy'd never ever trust him again with anything, well come to think of it she already didn't so not much change but..STILL!

"Thankfully I brought a spare." Irritating, organized pet poodle, huh.

Okay looking at the plan he would have Statistics and History before break then he would have Archaeology till lunch before a bit more Statistics and some Physics. Yay, he knew choosing Physics for a major and History as a minor would result in classes he liked as well as classes he was good at!

Now he had less than five minutes to run to Statistics, somewhere down the corridor to the left and up a staircase if he remembered correctly, which luckily he did.

Exhausted after the sprint he'd made, John entered the room and found his seat before opening his rucksack and collecting his books for the subject. There was a dull little man in a bow tie droning on about something or other John already knew all about, actually the bow tie was probably the best part of the entire lesson, maybe he would buy one, actually he would definitely get one, bow ties are cool.

After a few hours of boredom, how could anyone talk about statistics for so long after all it's only counting, he made his way to history were the classroom was particularly hard to find.

Up a few floors and down a few more before seeing a door that blended in with the walls with History written on it in big capital (also blending in) letters, now that was just cheating.

After pushing and pulling for a while he was stopped by a man who kindly showed him that it was automatic and running into it at a high speed would do nothing except maybe injure the runner. The man also flashed him a big grin before quipping that he had got the wrong building and that the mental hospital was next door, rude.

He finally walked into the classroom before gathering the appropriate equipment and leaning back to enjoy the lecture on Celts and Romans with their only work to write a five page paper on Boudica, the warrior Queen. Easy, breezy.

Time had flown by and Amy had for once been right when she said that university was not going to be that bad. All his hard work had paid off as it was now time for break and relaxation, a girl came up to him and noticing he was new and trying to be friendly asked what class he had next, he replied by saying Archaeology and she had replied with a good luck, thumbs up and swift departure. What was so wrong with the subject anyway, maybe he could ask around and find out before he had to face it.

John approached a tall skinny man and asked about the offending topic to which the man replied, your screwed and walked off, how friendly.

One more try he thought as he neared a little blond girl who turned out to much more helpful, she had told him that the subject had nothing wrong with it but the professor's mental health could be questioned and if he was on his best behaviour and did absoloutley nothing wrong at all he might survive the crazy woman and her wrath, so it turned out he had nothing to worry about, that is if you don't count eccentric scary teachers and terrified students that he had to face, right about now.


	2. Saintans crazy sister

Yes just on time, John thought as he swung open a pair of elaborate golden doors to reveal a dark black room with endless rows of red chairs. Being new and naïve as he was, John realised he should have tried for early as the way the room was layed out he had to walk through a aisle inbetween the groups of chairs and staring students to the only seat left, right at the front. Everyone's eyes were on him, the fresh meat in the big butchers. He tried not to tremble or outright faint with nerves whilst he clambered to the blood coloured chair, if the professor was as cruel as made out to be the chair might actually be blood coloured with that of past students, he shuddered at the thought.

Actually were was this professor, late for her own class, how laughable.

It turned out that the matter at hand was quite the opposite of laughable and if anything more terrifying by the second. Each noise made him flinch, expecting the worst, a type of paranoia that chilled him to the bone. If time could tell it would say run while you still can, while your heart is still intact.

Trying use the minutes wisely, he thought, what would she be like?

A dark gothic room, tales of fear and mysterious rumours, petrified students, they all led to one conclusion in his mind. A psychotic siren-like vampire that drained the blood of young male scholars and haunted their friends. An evil demonic witch that thrived in long evening dresses and...

Bang, the grand entrance flew open to reveal a woman, beautiful in a mature scary way and with a shady glint in her eye, a glint he personally thought would grow with the amounts of detentions she handed out. A skirt that he was positive went against all the university rules and a sinfully fitting shirt, this was no ordinary teacher, this was a creature of dreams and nightmares. Sharp attractive features and a mass of golden curls along with crimson lips shaped in a smirk, this would be his main agonizer for the years to come, he was sure.

Determined as he was to study her and hear every word she uttered, her greeting to the class went strait through him. His main focus was on the confidence she practically breathed, her sassy strut and her challenging smirks. It felt like mere seconds he had been thinking of her but time must have deceived him, as yet again everyone's eyes were on him.

"Sweetie It's rude to stare," she smiled and bit her lip "especially at that area."

He squeaked.

"How eloquent, darling." she smirked.

He blushed furiously.

"I...I'm...It's...,"

He squeaked and flapped for a while, what a great start to the lesson.

"So, " she had decided to spare him, few.

"Are you new to the university, I've not seen you before." And for a while he hadn't seen her, oh well, all good things must come to an end.

"Y-yes" he stammered.

"Well good luck then." she flashed him a smile before winking at him, causing him to blush further.

What did he even need luck for? The only thing posing a threat to him, so far, was her and she would probably remain the only threat for the rest of his life and maybe death. She would probably haunt him in his afterlife too.

The rest of the lesson had passed as badly as the beginning, and the girl had been right about this persons sanity. She had sent a a person out because 'she didn't like his hat' and then told someone else to write a five page essay for tomorrow because 'she doesn't fancy him with that haircut', that must be against some sort of rule!

He had ended up trying to go as low down in his chair as humanly possible just to avoid any chances of another awkward conversation, no matter how small. Also he had realised that, putting her uniqueness aside, she was a pretty good teacher. She could answer all questions, counter any argument and win it as well, pretty good on the whole, wait she was looking at him!

Okay the class has ended so he's free to go and leave the room, where was the nearest exit, quick before she got him. His eyes surveyed the room and he had almost made it but-

"Mr. Smith" she called in her low predatory voice, making him jump and fall whilst squeaking, flapping and blushing.

Squeak, he replied.

"You forgot your rucksack."

Another smirk, followed by another small squeak and the grabbing of a rucksack.

He legged it out of the devils torture chamber and checked that saintan's crazy sister wasn't following him, his final thoughts consisting mainly of 'squeak'.


	3. Jack Harckness

She was plain scary, no more no less, just scary and weird. He walked back to his dorm realising he'd taken an out of date lesson plan and he had the afternoon off. What to do?

He used to be quite good at football maybe he could try taking that up again, apparently there was a official club somewhere on campus. After a lot of walking and cursing maps he found a massive football pitch, Olympic sized and somehow immaculately clean.

Stumbling around, he bumped into something hard. As he looked up he realised it was a man in a old fashioned military coat who he seemed to recognise from some place. Wait, he had a million dollar smile and, of course it was the man that had told him not to run into doors!

Thinking about it, that had sounded like he was crazy, which he definitely wasn't, ish.

"Hey, watch were your walking." said the man with a big grin and a wink.

"Um...I-it's..." not another one that made him all stuttery and sheepish.

"Never mind, I'm Captain Jack Harckness, football coach." oh no,firstly a psycho and now a...this.

"Oh um yeah, I was wondering if I could try out for the team and that sort of stuff, ya know." great he just made himself sound like some sort of brain dead homeless person.

A couple of embarrassing hours later and he was a mid fielder for some club he didn't know the name of. Eh, it was something to do and besides he better go find Amy and Rory now before they did something drastic in means of deciphering his location.

Back at the dorms the three shared John was being interrogated by Amy whilst Rory supplied questions, they were ganging up on him.

"So what happened to you today?"

Why did she automatically think something had happened to him, he was mature and responsible enough to take care of himself, huff.

"Well not much..."

He began before launching into the tale of how he was warned by students, squeaked, flapped, jumped and blushed all at the same time to his Archaeology teacher then became part of a random football team whose coach he had walked into and had seen him running into doors at high speeds, they'd just sat there gawking at him for a long time.

He'd decided it was best to leave them to cool off for a while while he explored the building.

On his travels he heard strange noises coming from an old out of use classroom so,being curious, he decided to investigate, the sight that greeted him was quite startling.

His Archaeology teacher and football coach in a very compromising position indeed. She had her legs locked around his lower waist and her arms around his neck and he had her pushed against the wall with his hands up her shirt. His eyes grew wide as they kissed fiercely and, he could have walked away pretending nothing ever happened but no, he squeaked.

They unhooked themselves from each other and straitened their clothing before turning to face their intruder.


	4. Busted, twice

She'd been making her way out of her class room and down the corridor thinking of the way the new student jumped and squeaked at her in such an adorable way, quite pitiful infact. Well enough of teaching, she had only taken the post so she and Jack could investigate further. Speaking of Jack-

A hand tugged her into the old classroom nearby and she felt herself being pushed up against a wall, the cold stone making her skin tingle.

"Well hello to you to." she breathed, lifting her legs to cling to him and receiving a low grunt in reply. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he lent in for a kiss, pressing himself against her and closing any tiny spaces left between them. His hands skimming across her smooth torso, moving to cup her breasts and settle to toy with her bra. She ran her tongue against his lip and her hands along his back before hearing a click, she dismissed it altogether and carried on, now stroking the inside of his cheek and sucking on his top lip.

Moments before her shirt was off a shrill squeak interrupted them and they were forced to break apart. They straitened their clothing and making sure some of their dignity wast still intact, they turned to face the intruder.

It was a student, perfect now the entire university would giggle at them and blush when they walked past. Actually, that was the new boy so he might keep it a secret if she asked him nicely, that is.

"Close the door behind you." she was in no mood to ask so demanded instead.

She almost felt sorry for the boy but he had interrupted them so anger was definitely the better option and Jack seemed to feel the same way as he looked absoloutley murderous.

"I have little patience for you at this moment so I'll be blunt, tell anyone and I shall rip out your intestines and use them to strangle you, understood?"

He nodded and his body began to shake, poor thing looked completely terrified. Serves him right.

"You may leave now." and he ran shakily away.

She and Jack stood in silence for a while before he broke it by telling her how sexy she was when she got all hot and angry, how he could take her right there on that desk. Her response was that it was far to risky now a student had already walked in on them so they should probably take it into the bedroom.

No sooner than the words had left her mouth she felt his arms swooping down and picking her up to carry her to his chamber with her hitting his arm all the way.

The next morning she was woken by a voice saying he was going to let himself in as Jack obviously wasn't, oh no.

"Hey it's Rory, just came to ask about the match tomorrow and weather it's-..."

The man was tall, skinny and had a unfortunately large nose that ruined all his other attractive features, though there weren't that many.

"I-I'm, I p-promise I won't tell anyone,e..e-er bye." He had stuttered while backing up to the door before slamming it and running off.

"River, Is there some sort of new game called how many times can someone walk in on the Archaeology teacher and the football coach 'cause I don't see the funny side, you?"

"Shut up and go back to sleep, It's the weekend we can do whatever you want later but right now were going to sleep." she moaned, snuggling in to his chest and wrapping her arms around him to pull herself closer.


End file.
